17 May Go Meaten
by Steve Wasser
For those unfamiliar with Steve Wasser of the Gastrologica podcast, he is the resident smartass of the Culinary Podcast Network. In his debut column for the Gilded Fork, he takes on vegetarianism with his signature satire, unflappable fervor and a whole lotta sass.
I realize that when I say Go Meaten, you may likely view me as a beer-guzzling cornpone blurting the contrarian position of embracing poor health, and eating meat solely for pleasure’s sake. Meaties – excuse me, Meataunds – are viewed as consumptive libertines, grinding our way through a limitless battlefield of dead animals and rendered carcasses.
It is no secret that vegetarians – and their cult brethren, vegans – shudder when a person asserts their love of meat or animal products. Chances are, this is not you. If you are enjoying this site or any other food media outlet, then I’m most likely preaching to the choir.
Yet, someone besides Larry the Cable Guy has to counterbalance the discordant shriek of the Veggie mob. Everyone expects a Meataund to carry a shotgun and speak like Ted Nugent because the Veggie contingent has done its best to politicize Meataunds. They want to characterize us as gun-toting, truck driving, NRA cowboys that vote for whatever Republican statue is running for office — which is why it is so important for a moderate voice to champion our cause. It is vital, because reasonable people rarely sound an alarmist note, pick up a sign, take to the streets, or get in someone’s face while they’re trying to get to work.
That voice is me.
It is time to address the Veggies with a critical message: Go Meaten.
The reason is obvious, you see. Fringe elements are eternally shoving pamphlets in our hands, muttering discontent when we order a hamburger, and otherwise carrying on a relentless campaign to convert the entire world to vegetarianism.
How many times have I sat with a Veggie friends (that I met in college, and yet still tolerate their intolerance), ordered eggs benedict, only to watch their faces contort with disgust as they self-righteously proclaimed “I would never eat anything with a face. I would not use anything that exploits an animal,” or some similar quote memorized off a bumper sticker.
But, of course, they are not content to broadcast what they would do, or disdain – the conversation invariably reflexes to how I should give up meat, or try an alternative protein substitute.
That’s when I lose it. Friend or no, it’s bad enough to listen to someone proselytize how I should change my core beliefs so I can enjoy salvation after I die. Now I have to listen to someone lecture me on how I should live before I die. Between fundamentalists and Veggies, there is a duopoly vacuuming every last atom of enjoyment out of life.
I’ve heard all the arguments before. As the Veggies rev up their propaganda machine, I know they will obscure their arguments in the most disingenuous terms, much like the hemp crowd…and there is widespread crossover in those two camps.
Just as the hemp crowd uses the overriding cultural necessity of making rope as the foundation for legalizing marijuana, the Veggie cult is forever co-opting the false argument of health benefits to obscure their real premise: that animals are higher than humans.
So, Veggies, we have endured your finger wagging and brow furrowing for long enough. It’s time to sit back in your bean bag, take a hit of whatever it is you’re smoking, and listen to why a Meaten World is better.
1. If we relied solely on meat, we would cut illegal immigration to a fraction of what it is today. The amount of migrant workers it takes to harvest crops for US consumption is exponentially greater than the amount of hands it takes to man a ranch or slaughterhouse. With no vegetables, there would be no fields of illegal immigrants, taking jobs away from Americans who don’t want the jobs.
2. It would immediately reduce obesity by cutting out most all of the naturally occurring carbohydrates found laden in unhealthy vegetables, fruits and grains.
3. I don’t love this idea, but it would eradicate alcoholism. Without starches and grains, alcohol production would be negligible. Until they breed a cat that can be used in the fermentation process.
4. It would immediately handle the overpopulation of many wild game animals such as White Tail Deer. While many of you cringe at the thought of eating Bambi (thank you, Walt Disney, for tainting venison for all time), left unchecked, White Tail breed faster than rabbits on infertility drugs. Their population can explode so rapidly that within two seasons there is not enough foliage to sustain them. Bucks fight each other for territory, and the scratching of bark with their antlers kills the trees. Your precious trees. Disease spreads throughout the scavengers who eat the meat.
5. Why target and brutalize an entire race of plant life? Veggies are complicit in genocide, as they singularly target their chlorolust on defenseless plants. At least animals can defend themselves.
6. Vegetables are treated in the cruelest manner. Stuck in the ground, enduring inhospitable weather during long winters with no shelter. Tortured in hothouses, many plants nearly suffocate in the tropical moisture and heat. As children, we played into this sick idea as we were given mini-vegetable concentration camps, euphemistically called terrariums, so we could grow poor sprouts in captivity, only to watch them wither from lack of growing room.
A Meaten Planet is a vastly more desirable place to live. And you know why? Because it would never happen. Anyone who is predisposed to being a Meaten has such a passion for eating that they would never consider removing an entire food group from their menu. Meatens are reasonable enough, and secure enough to acknowledge their steak would be nothing without a potato, chicken without asparagus, or quail without a side of Harry Whittington.
Meatens recognize the radical incredulity of removing a vital source of nutrition. They realize that Veggies are not skinny because they are healthy – they are bony because of malnutrition. Meatens remember the last time they had to nurse a Veggie co-worker for a half hour after getting a paper cut, because said co-worker was anemic from lack of vitamin K.
On the contrary, Veggies would be content to ship all the animals to another planet where they would be safe…and useless.
Photo: Kelly Cline
Steve Wasser is the co-host of the Gastrologica podcast, and the founder and publisher of the online magazine Playing with Fire. Hate mail may be sent directly to him at sewasser AT gmail DOT com.